The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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