Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
