A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is it penis luge time yet?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
