Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize