Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
