Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
