Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
