call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
