turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
