i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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