happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
