I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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