everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
