This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
