She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
