Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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