Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
