Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my being single is dangerous.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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