turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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