i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
