The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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