Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
