By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
