I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
home. puking in laundry basket.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
