you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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