She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
