Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
