I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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