Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
