Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize