He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
