I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Randomize
