dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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