all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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