Umm I'm too high to move.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
