If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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