Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
