Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
