i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Please don't give away my fajitas
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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