she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Ketchup is God's man juice
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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