you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
