is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
