just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
