Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
