Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
