It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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