I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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