Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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