Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize