I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
