Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
