you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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