We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
