Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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