I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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