I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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