I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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