She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
