He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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