i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
