i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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